Unbelieve

 Luke 5:17-26

One day, while he was teaching, Pharisees and teachers of the law were sitting nearby (they had come from every village of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem); and the power of the Lord was with him to heal. Just then some men came, carrying a paralysed man on a bed. They were trying to bring him in and lay him before Jesus; but finding no way to bring him in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the middle of the crowd in front of Jesus. When he saw their faith, he said, ‘Friend, your sins are forgiven you.’ Then the scribes and the Pharisees began to question, ‘Who is this who is speaking blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?’ When Jesus perceived their questionings, he answered them, ‘Why do you raise such questions in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, “Your sins are forgiven you”, or to say, “Stand up and walk”? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins’—he said to the one who was paralysed—‘I say to you, stand up and take your bed and go to your home.’ Immediately he stood up before them, took what he had been lying on, and went to his home, glorifying God. Amazement seized all of them, and they glorified God and were filled with awe, saying, ‘We have seen strange things today.’

What struck me in this passage is that the Pharisees and scribes refusal to believe in the simpler things in life.

A single sentence can sum it up.

"Be careful of what you wish for..."

Amazement gripped them as they witnessed the man picking up his bed and walking off. Only then did they turn around and praise God. 

Why do we choose to put our disbelief in things that are easier to understand? Their initial reaction towards Jesus was nothing short of a challenge.. Do we yearn that much to challenge God to conquer our disbelief, our short-sighted humanistic ways? Why can't we just believe?

Jesus says "Happy are those who have not seen but yet believe..."

What if this is God's challenge to us; to not be a doubting Thomas, but simply... BELIEVE?

Beckon Me

My last entry in this blog was a lifetime ago.

In the time passed... I have changed jobs, I have loved, I have been out of love.

I have faltered in the faith and still faltering. I have started school, I am halfway through school.

I have left communities, I have joined communities. I have changed my life's mission, I have neglected many parts of my life.

I have been selfish and self seeking, I have made use of people. I have 

I have lusted for pleasure, I may have ruined a life.

Why am I becoming all that I have previously loathed? Why did I allow myself to succumb to that level?

How great the mighty has fallen! 

Could it be because of my self-righteousness? Did I never knew what I seek right from the start? Was my faith, my religion a farce all along?

Jeremiah 29:11-14 says

"Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares, plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. When you call to me and come and pray to me, I shall listen to you. When you search for me, you will find me; when you search wholeheartedly for me,  shall let you find me (Yahweh declares. I shall restore your fortunes and gather you in from all the nations and wherever I have driven you, Yahweh declares. I shall bring you back to the place from which I exiled you)."

I know that I need to resume seeking God in my daily life. But what is it that is holding me back? Why the procrastination? From all those years of service, have I not been convinced of God's mighty Hand in my life? 

Why do I not want to seek You my Lord? What did I miss? 

Bring me back O Lord, I need to be taken back... At Your Cross Lord, beckon me please. I beg You

Sinful... Sorrowful... Regretful...

Service

I was having supper after Mass one evening when the table topic centered on church activities. One of them turned to me and asked was I still with my ministry.


I told him yes I am, and with that response, came a "pfft" and a cringed look on his face. He said, "You should have grown out of that ministry by now, the people there are so young!"

Why I serve?
Years ago when I started out serving as an acolyte (as my parish calls it), serving to me was being right beside the Altar during Mass, where I knew God would be. I pictured serving as though a squire, waiting on his lord, doing and carrying out commands whenever needed to.

That was service to me.

Upon confirmation, I moved on to a youth ministry where our main form of service was to organise and execute Masses for youths. Service to me then was somewhat like a caterer, rolling out lavish and quality Masses.

That was service to me.

A question that I've had all these while was:
Why would God who is so mighty, so infinite, so omnipotent need from a lowly creation such as me?

Our God sets the directions for lightning bolts, holds the entire universe in His hands, breathes life into creation...Why would He need human servants?

"I have come to serve and not to be served.."
Jesus, God's only Son CHOSE the form of a human so as to be among us, to, in His own words, serve and not be served.
So who did He intended to serve? Sounds crazy right? The God of Creation, the Great I AM, saying He has come to be among us to serve.

Ok, hold that thought for a moment...

Now, 6 years after I moved on to where I'm serving right now. It seems, after serving 7 years here, that the act of service isn't all about being squire waiting on his lord, isn't all about being a caterer.

What I'm saying, is that service isn't entirely about the physical results that our hands achieve. It definitely isn't about giving ourselves a pat on the back 
and congratulate ourselves for having pulled something of. No.

So we know at this moment that whatever good deed that is done onto another is a deed done onto our Lord.

Diving deeper, what is truly the main meaning of all these?

For me, the person of John the Baptist fully understood the disposition of service. John had the biggest operation around in his time, baptising people in the waters of the River Jordan. Large numbers flocked to him daily. Yet, he understood that he was merely the voice in the desert that cries out, "In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God."

John knew his role as a sign post directing people toward Jesus. John's service prepared the people for their encounter with God.

One of my leaders shared several times that one of her reasons why she remained in ministry is because she was touched by another's act of service.

Hence...
The reason I serve isn't to earn brownie points with God.
The reason I serve isn't just simply to fulfill that sense of duty.
The reason I serve isn't to simply increase the size of my social circle.
The reason I serve has nothing to do with the age nor demographic of the community I'm in
The reason I serve is definitely not for fame nor glory.

The reason I serve is to "pay forward" the many blessings I have received from Him. 

The reason I serve is to pave the way for everyone towards our Lord and King.

The reason I serve is to prepare those I serve for their encounter with a glorious God.

The reason I serve is because God first served me, gifting me salvation through His Son who lived among us and served us...

... and that's why I serve.

Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

I woke up this morning with a hangover of the raging emotions and thoughts on what I should have, could have done the night before.

Morning broke with a mighty display of nature's awesomeness. Lightning , heavy rains... At one point, I saw, right outside my window and right before my eyes a flash of the brilliant, brightest flash of lightning I ever gazed upon.

It captivated me both beautifully and struck a certain amount of fear in me at the same time. No, not the fear of being struck or caught in its path, but fear of the Lord. Like many a great prophet and apostle, all fell in fear and reverent awe before our God, I didn't fall to my knees but that moment I fell in surrender to Him.

Plans. Ideas. Intentions.

Not a strange word to any of us definitely, in fact, there probably isn't a single point in time where we can say that we have no plans. (Not referring to the "I got no plans for the weekend" kind). Among the basic needs of the human existence, plans, I believe rank among the top. Afterall, we're creatures of intellect. Plans keeps our otherwise mundane lives going right?

"I plan to score well in exams to advance futher" - lacking which we'll probably cruise through school which is pretty boring.

"I plan to make it to the school's soccer team (or improve my soccer skills)" - lacking which, we'll probably do usual kickabout stuff which, in this case, can get boring. (Just a generalisation here)

"I plan to accomplish so and so, just so I can advance further in my career." - lacking which there probably is nothing to look forward to at work except routine tasks.

I've had ideas, I've charted out plans, I've intended and probably put to action quite a few of them. Some succeeded, some failed..

In the aftermath of these plans, I've rejoiced, I've brooded over, I've been encouraged, I've been discouraged numerous times.

I chanced upon the titular verse on a website

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

I regained a new sense of confidence and strength, realising once again that at the core of it all, despite the victories and failures, it's God purpose for me that stands tall.

That made sense. I realised that the one thing I've missed most of the time in my own planning is the surrendering to God's purpose for me.

It made sense.

In my failures, He held me up.
In my victories, He rejoiced over me.
In my doubts, He prompted me.
In my doings, He gave me strength.

Everything made sense.

His plans and purpose for me were to give me plans that prosper me, plans that give me hope and a future.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future - Jeremiah 29:11

During my reflection this morning, I was urged to put on Steven Chapman's I Will Be Here on my iPod. (Steven wrote this song to recount the hardships that his wife and him faced and how God brought them through). To me, this song came as a love letter from Jesus.

"Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here."

This is the portion of the song that struck me the most. Recalling the popular "Footprints in the Sand", I was made aware again that Jesus was ALWAYS with me. In a very intimate and reassuring way, He reminded me that He knows my faults, failures, joys and pains. In fact, He shared those moments with me.

"I will be here"

"I WILL BE HERE"

 If I were to reconstruct my morning's reflection into a letter from God, it'll probably go like this:

Good morning child,

I am the Lord, God Almighty. With My hand I direct lightning bolts; with My hand I bring forth the heavy rains. Child,  I know your frustrations and hurts, I know the times you've failed and the times you've succeeded. I was there just as I am here right now. If ever you doubt, doubt not because I will be here.
Child, I want you to know that I have a purpose for you. I want you to know that I have a whole future waiting for you. I will never leave you because I love you.

"Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here."

So Lord, teach me, show me and guide me to surrender all of myself to You again. Take my plans, my thoughts, my ideas and break and bend them to Your purpose. I surrender wholly to You. For You are my hope, my past, my present and my future.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Small Act Done With Great Love

"Ministry takes place when divine resources meet human needs through loving channels to the glory of God"

I once read this line from a book "On Being A Servant of God" and I chanced upon it again from a website.

Was recalling the recent meetings on Activate. How apt!

The bible story that inspired Activate is the story of the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. Here I finally see the entire picture (and meaning and purpose of the ministry) in one sentence.

Ministry happened at that very moment the little boy offered all of his possessions to the disciples.

Jesus (divine resource) fed 5000 men (human needs) through the small act of offering from the little boy (loving channels).

My thoughts fall heavily on the little boy.

Being possibly the only one among the crowd that day who had food on him, I guess that he must be experiencing a whole lot of mixed emotions as the disciples saw the 5 loaves and 2 fishes in his hands.

His mind probably raced back and forth, "What do they want with me? Are they gonna take away my food? What am I going to eat then? What am I gonna do?"

Mother Theresa once said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love"

There you have it, the moment the food exchanged hands, the boy traded up his "starring role" for the afternoon to be part of a bigger, more glorious story that God had in motion.

I believe that a great sense of love overwhelmed the boy when he offered all he had.

Logically, if anyone were there at that point in time, and if you were the only one who had food (mind you, the rest among you are hungry)... What are the odds of giving all that you have to a group of 12 men unsure that you might have anything to eat in the end?

The very human me wouldn't. I'd probably snuck off somewhere and devoured it with gusto!

It definitely takes a whole lot of love for the boy to offer everything. Love for people. I bet he thought, the moment he handed over the food, "I'm gonna be broke as anything and this is all I have. But, if this is gonna help everyone here in anyway possible, I'm in. I'm all in."

A small act done out of great love.

Everything In Its Time

Remembering Ecclesiastes 3, I was just listening to this song by Corrinne May. I didn't exactly finish listening to the entire song though; was touched and moved by the chorus of the song:

"The river runs and the river hides,
Out to the ocean and under the sky.
I promise you the answer will come,
Just hold on to patience and wait for the sign.
Everything in its time.."

I've been struggling alot lately in many many areas of my work. Just looking back, it's been going on for a while. It just gets worse as more areas of my life start to crumble. Work, ministries, family, friends, commitment. Also, I sense a fight with a close friend brewing in the horizon.

Sometimes I can't help but think is there no end to the situations that come my way? Is there no end to the problems that I have to face? Is there anyone who truly understands what I go through?

Amidst all these, Corrinne has (through her song) told me the One true promise that will stand. Long before time began and after time ends, He was and will always be there. My God has always been beside me, though many many times I refuse to acknowledge His presence.

Who am I that I deserve this depth of grace? What is this love showered over me unending, overflowing and forgiving?

Still I fall into the dark abyss of sin once too often despite knowing and encountering Him.

Isaiah tells us to wait upon the Lord, to depend on His strength. What does it mean to wait on Him? How do I wait on Him? The human soul in an impatient entity, always rushing, never silent, never contented. How then can I calm my anxious heart and tune myself to His will? The One who wants to give me only His best.

Jesus, You alone can break these chains.. You alone know my rising and my falling.. You alone see my worth.. You alone can rescue..

My Chainbreaker, Saviour King, Lifegiver. I dare not call You best friend for no friend neglects another. I pray that Your grace abounds to me..